Step Three: CREATE YOUR HAPPY SPACE
Set strong boundaries to create your happy space.
Part of creating Happily Ever After for yourself is carving out personal, safe space in which to thrive. It feels important to note that you are entitled to personal, safe space.
Unfortunately, most people don’t understand personal space. For this reason, they will attempt to encroach on yours.
You must know how to protect your space so you get what delights the deepest and truest parts of who you are!
Boundaries protect your personal space. Boundaries are about building a fence around who you are, so you don’t become a pushover, a doormat, or lie in bed at night feeling totally unhappy and frustrated because you said yes when you wanted to say no but didn’t know how to do so.
Boundaries reduce the time you spend on others’ behalf and enable your ability to further your own Happily Ever After.
Boundaries that align with your top five values enhance what makes you happy and minimize frustration, disappointment, and unhappiness.
Setting boundaries is essential for living a happier, more fulfilling life.
Nonetheless, many of us still find ourselves wondering how to set boundaries that actually work.
If you’re looking to live a happier, more fulfilling life, you can start with this step by learning how to set boundaries at work, in life, and in love to create your happy space.
This step helps you understand how you use your values to create boundaries.
There are 3 sections to this Guide:
What are Boundaries?
How to Set Boundaries
What to Do When Boundaries are Crossed
The Building Boundaries Worksheet is the tool used in this step.
Additional guidance for setting boundaries to create your happy space is offered in the accompanying video.
Let’s get started!
Table of Contents
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What are Boundaries?
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How to Set Boundaries
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What to Do When Boundaries are Crossed
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Building Boundaries Worksheet
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Your Happy Space Video
1. What are Boundaries?
Have you ever heard any of these statements?
You need to teach people how to treat you.
You get what you tolerate.
Fences make good neighbors.
I heard these comments along my travels but didn’t really understand their meaning until I began turning my values into boundaries.
Understanding what you will and you will not allow in your space, and then enforcing those lines, is all about teaching people how to treat you.
Bottom line here: you get only what you desire to tolerate.
Essentialists know the power of boundaries. In his book Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, Author Greg McKeown wrote,
“Essentialism is not about how to get more things done; it’s about how to get the right things done.
It doesn’t mean just doing less for the sake of less either. It is about making the wisest possible investment of your time and energy in order to operate at our highest point of contribution by doing only what is essential.”
He also offered that because of their commitment to wise time investment, essentialists “recognize that boundaries protect their time from being hijacked and often free them from the burden of having to say no to things that further others’ objectives instead of their own.”
You want to spend your life tilling the soil of what deeply matters to you.
When you don’t have boundaries, people can and will divert your attention to their challenges and not yours.
Your time will be hijacked, and you will be blown all over the place because you don’t have your own stakes in the ground, holding you in the place that is right for you.
Remember the story I shared with you in Step 2 about how I was using the value of family as a weapon against myself?
Because I didn’t have any boundaries around my values, I lost myself in helping my family.
How do we enforce the space where we cross over from using a value as a tool to using it as a weapon?
We do that by using our values to create boundaries.
My dad, Tom White, was a psychologist who worked with children. As a college student, I once told him that I did not want to have children.
When he asked why, I told him that I thought the world was an ugly place. Why would I want to bring children into such an ugly place?
As usual, my father said something simple, yet profound. He said, “Tomi, it is no different today than it was in the frontier days.
You tell your children where the property line is, you tell them what might happen if they cross the line, and then you have to let them learn for themselves.”
While Dad’s advice was simple, carrying it out was difficult.
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It has taken me awhile to understand his advice.
Dad meant I should explain family boundaries to my family, i.e., these are the rules; if you do not follow these rules, here are the consequences.
The boundaries discussion includes what we will allow, what we will tolerate but don’t like, and what we will not allow in our family.
Not having property lines around the family unit can create unnecessary conflict.
The same advice works with your friends – not having property lines around yourself can create unnecessary conflict.
So where are those property lines for your fence?
My go to reference for Boundaries is a book entitled Boundaries: When To Say Yes, When To Say No To Take Control Of Your Life written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.
Cloud & Townsend write:
“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.”
One place I can easily see where I end and you begin is with values.
As you begin to live from your values, you can see how they create boundaries. For instance, if you value generosity, you may find yourself in conflict with a person whom you perceive to be selfish.
A values clash doesn’t make the other person bad and you good or vice versa. It just means you hold different core values.
You do not need to feel badly about setting boundaries.
Not feeling badly was a struggle for me.
I felt like it was a bad thing to tell people that I wouldn’t allow certain things in my space.
That changed though, when I realized one simple thing:
Boundaries are not about placing limits on others.
You are 100% entitled to create a space that honors who you are.
You don’t have to feel bad about choosing not to participate in things that don’t align with the life you want to live.
Setting boundaries is about creating space for your own success and happiness.
Without boundaries, people might walk all over you.
Not surprisingly, people don’t always respect boundaries.
There could be a few reasons for this:
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Maybe they don’t know where the established boundaries are.
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Maybe they don’t know how to respect boundaries.
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Maybe they just don’t care about your boundaries.
Whatever the reason, when you can learn how to set personal boundaries successfully, you will no longer have to put up with things that make you unhappy.
The best boundaries are based on your core values.
Knowing your core values plays an essential role in being able to find and set your boundaries.
Your core values are the bedrock of who you are. When you know your values, you know who you are at your core.
And, on the flip side, knowing your values also lets you know who you are not.
Knowing your core values helps determine where you will not compromise.
When you have a deep understanding of your values, you have a better idea of what you don’t want to allow in your space.
An example:
One of my core values is authenticity.
Knowing that I value authenticity helps me set boundaries because I know I only want people and things in my space that don’t make me compromise that value (i.e. fake people need not apply).
If I didn’t know authenticity was a core value, I might be more willing to let inauthentic people in my life.
When you have people in your space that don’t align with or respect what you value, you can get caught up in managing their drama instead of focusing on what’s best for you.
That statement is so important, it’s worth repeating:
When you have people in your space that don’t align with or respect what you value, you can get caught up in managing their drama instead of focusing on what’s best for you.
2. How to Set Boundaries
Now that you know what boundaries are and why they are important, it’s time to learn how to set boundaries.
Turning your core values into personal boundaries has a few simple steps.
For each of your core values, you want to answer these three questions:
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What will you allow in your space given this value?
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What will you tolerate in your space (but don’t like) given this value?
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What will you not allow in your space given this value?
Enter the Building Boundaries Worksheet.
This worksheet helps you keep track of your boundaries related to each value.
Setting your boundaries is really about you deciding what works for you and what does not work for you.
Sometimes, you might let a person cross a boundary because of something else they bring to the relationship.
Boundary setting is not black and white. There are many shades of gray, all driven by personal preference.
Context is also key.
Your boundaries in personal and professional relationships might be different.
Many times at work, the organizational culture drives the environment so those boundaries take precedence.
The closer you are with someone, though, the more important it becomes to set and communicate the boundaries that you need for success.
No matter your values, converting them into boundaries gives you a basis for setting boundaries in relationships, setting boundaries at work, or anywhere else.
Your personal boundaries are not always easy to figure out.
Pay attention to internal signals; they indicate a crossed boundary.
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The first internal signal is anger.
Anger is one of your good friends when setting personal boundaries, because it is a clear indicator of a crossed boundary.
When you get angry, many times it is because one of your core values is being compromised or offended.
For example, I get angry when I feel lied to or cheated. That is because it goes against my value of authenticity.
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A second warning signal is the cringe factor.
I learned about the cringe factor from Dr. Henry Cloud in his book 9 Things a Leader Must Do.
The cringe factor is any time you have to cringe or take a big gulp to agree to do something or to work with someone.
If you experience the cringe factor, that likely means you know one of your values is about to be upended if you move forward.
Cringing usually means you have found a personal boundary.
Setting Your Boundaries
Once you understand the outer edges of your boundaries, you can start to hold those lines. This is where you set boundaries.
It’s not always easy to determine your exact boundary line.
An important element of setting your boundaries is knowing what not to engage in or who not to engage with in the first place.
You can save yourself a lot of trouble, anger, and headaches if you know what to say no to before boundary crossing becomes an issue.
For example:
If you value punctuality, then being on a team with someone who is habitually late is setting yourself up for crossed boundaries.
If you value financial well-being, then dating a big spender is setting yourself up for crossed boundaries.
If you value cooperation, then being best friends with someone who is selfish is setting yourself up for crossed boundaries.
The Empowered No
If you think one of your future paths might lead down an undesirable road, you have every right to not go.
This advice is not to say don’t engage with people who don’t share the same values as you.
It is about being aware of what you are about to say yes to and does that align with the deepest and truest parts of who you are. Because if it doesn’t… why would you say yes?
Oftentimes, someone’s other qualities are so redeeming that we love them, anyway, charge ahead, and do our best to make it work.
Be diligent about what you allow in your space!
I like to use what I call “The Empowered No” to avoid situations I think will cross my boundaries.
Oftentimes, if you are less clear on your values and boundaries, you are more susceptible to being convinced to do something you maybe don’t want to do.
You get asked why you don’t want to do something, and you can’t provide a clear answer so you just go along with it.
The Empowered No is where you clearly know:
what you value,
what your boundaries are,
and what you won’t tolerate.
You use that knowledge to communicate to someone else that what is taking place doesn’t align with your values so you must decline to participate.
The Empowered No is a powerful tool for keeping your boundaries.
An example:
If you value honesty, and have felt habitually lied to by a friend, you might say something like this:
“I appreciate who you are and what you do. For me, I value honesty.
It doesn’t feel like honesty is mutually valued in this relationship, and, without that, I have to say no to the friendship because it is important to me to say yes to friends with similar values.”
With The Empowered No, you can communicate clearly why it is you aren’t interested and feel entirely confident and secure in your decision.
Another important part of setting boundaries is communicating them to others.
This part is where you teach people how to treat you.
Life can be messy. Along the way you are inevitably going to get your toes stepped on.
You can drastically reduce the number of times and frequency that this happens by getting good at communicating your boundaries.
Communicating your boundaries starts with establishing clear expectations.
Most people don’t intentionally violate boundaries. They just don’t always know where the line is.
Having clear expectations lets others know where that line is.
You can use your Building Boundaries Worksheet to help you set clear expectations.
When you are going to have a boundary conversation with someone, pull out your Building Boundaries Worksheet during the conversation and use it to explain the boundary that was crossed and what you need to be successful.
Doing so enables you to speak directly to boundary-crossers and try to remedy the situation.
There is no blame in this conversation. You are simply sharing a boundary that is being crossed.
The Building Boundaries Worksheet is something concrete that you can share with a boundary-crosser to let them know this is what you value and that something they did crossed that line.
The conversation might go as follows:
“I am learning new things about myself. One of those things is about my own personal boundaries.
While in the past I might have tolerated you not telling me the truth, going forward I need you to be honest with me. As part of learning these new things about myself, I have realized dishonesty doesn't work for me.
If that isn’t going to work for you, let me know, and we can think about what our relationship looks like going forward.”
You aren’t trying to control the other person. With this approach, you are sharing what is important to you – where the line is for you. And then you are inviting them to think about your needed boundary line and its potential impact on the relationship going forward.
I have to tell you the first time you draw the line and start the conversation, it is extremely hard to do.
It feels risky.
You can also invite the boundary crosser to fill out their own worksheet so you can see where you might be crossing one of their boundaries.
Completing the Building Boundaries Worksheet together is a great exercise for relationships with colleagues, family, or friends.
Building boundaries together creates a powerful connection of understanding, acknowledgement, and ownership for all involved in the conversation.
If you are setting boundaries in your love relationship, you and your partner can complete this worksheet together.
If you are establishing boundaries at work, you and your colleagues can complete the worksheet individually, then meet as a group to understand each member’s boundaries and what is needed to be successful, individually and as a team.
If you are establishing family boundaries, then you follow the same process!
The Building Boundaries Worksheet can work anywhere in your life.
3. What to do When Boundaries are Crossed
I’m going to be honest with you:
Not everyone is going to respect your boundaries.
So, when someone crosses your boundaries, what do you do?
You hold them accountable!
Let’s see how to do that.
Boundaries Start and End with Accountability
When someone crosses your boundaries (or that of your team or organization), you must hold them accountable.
If you don’t hold them accountable, a message appears in big, blinking red lights:
The boundary-crossing behavior is acceptable
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The boundary-crossing behavior is acceptable 🎯 🎯
In other words, you are teaching people how to treat you with what you allow or don’t allow.
Below are some strategies you can use to have these conversations successfully.
Framing Your Boundaries Conversation
Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend noted that enforcing boundaries is difficult because:
“We might live in fear that enforcing our boundaries might mean someone will stop liking us or stop loving us. Or worse yet, someone might abandon us.”
And the more you enforce boundaries, the better and more comfortable you become at doing so.
Rarely does a rookie hit a home run or win the race the first time out.
In fact, the first few times out are typically a steep learning curve; it is the same with framing these boundaries conversations.
There are some principles that can help you improve:
First, do no harm.
If what you say is grounded in love, honor, and respect for your boundaries and for the other person’s boundaries, then you can’t do harm.
That doesn’t mean the other person isn’t going to be offended. But if you do no harm, the hurt that they experience is their own trauma talking to them and not caused by you.
If you are talking about crossed boundaries in a relationship with regards to communication, you might say something like this:
“I want our partnership to be as successful and fulfilling as possible.
What I need in this relationship for us to be successful is clear communication, and I feel like that hasn’t been happening lately and it makes me sad.
How do you feel like we can move forward from here so that we are as successful as possible?
If you are talking about crossed boundaries at work with regards to communication, you might frame the conversation as such:
“Hello team/co-workers, I value what you do. I want us to be as successful as possible.
One thing that I need to be successful is clear communication. I feel like lately I have not been receiving clear communication about our project and it has been difficult for me to perform at my highest level.
How can we solve this challenge together?”
Keeping your success at the forefront typically helps these conversations go more smoothly.
1. Use Me-First Language
In the examples above, you might have noticed that the way the conversations are managed is by using me-first language.
Me-first language is where you explain the problem based on the impact it has on you.
When you talk about crossed boundaries, you have to keep front and center the fact that setting boundaries is not about limiting others; doing so allows for the most productive a conversation as possible.
Using me-first language allows you to share how you feel and keeps others from getting defensive.
You are not placing blame nor are you being defensive. It is a simple this is the impact this behavior is having on me.
Let’s look at another example of a boundary violation:
Let’s say you value integrity and you feel that sometimes your partner does things you consider unethical to get ahead.
It has been a source of conflict for a while, but you just haven’t been able to figure out how to resolve the issue.
Now, though, you know your values and you are ready to set some boundaries.
What’s the best way to have the conversation?
If you say:
“You are always trying to take advantage of the rules. You are only concerned with getting ahead for yourself!”
then your partner might immediately feel defensive. When that happens, you likely will not be able to have a productive conversation.
Accusations tend to have a squelching effect on conversation.
If you instead use me-first language, you might say,
“I value integrity and doing things the right way. It makes me feel upset when you do things like cut corners to save time and money.
I want us to have a successful and healthy relationship and a partner who I can trust to do the right thing. How do we manage this tension in our relationship going forward?”
This approach is likely to elicit a favorable response and lead to a productive conversation about what you need to be successful in this relationship.
2. Use The Circle-Back Method
When someone crosses your boundaries, it is easy to get frustrated.
If you are unable to say anything at the time, or maybe don’t handle the moment in the best way, you can always use The Circle-Back Method.
Sometimes conversations don’t go as we want. Two days later, you may still be thinking about the conversation.
If that happens, re-visit the conversation by saying to the other person:
“I would like to circle back on our conversation from two days ago. It didn’t go the way I planned so I would like a do-over. And if I could go back in time and do it differently, here is what I would say… “
And then say it.
The Circle-Back Method involves revisiting a previous conversation and asking for a do-over, with the intention of getting it right the second time.
It is circling back to discuss the crossed boundary in a more effective way.
Your bravery and courage to circle back on the conversation frees you and the other person from the trapped energy of the hard feelings the previous conversation might have created.
It is a great way to restart the conversation about something important to you.
3. A Last Note About Setting Boundaries:
Truth be told, you can do everything right and your boundaries will still be crossed.
It’s up to you to figure out if and when you are willing to compromise on your boundaries.
You have to ask yourself:
Is this boundary-crossing something I’m willing to tolerate because the relationship with this person is worth it?
Choosing to accept a boundary violation is fine. It’s a compromise. And sometimes, happiness requires a compromise.
The good news: you are knowingly making the compromise instead of being unaware of your choice.
If you choose to compromise, it is important to release the hurt and anger about the violation in a positive way so that your frustration or venting doesn’t impact the relationship in a negative way.
An example of a boundary violation I accepted is with my value of wisdom and its output of effectiveness.
My husband likes to take the scenic route. It takes longer to get where we are going. It uses more gas. It gets us stuck in traffic.
It may seem simple, but it always frustrates me.
I have communicated my frustrations to my husband but for him, he values taking the scenic route, and he isn’t going to change.
Everything about my husband is worth so much more than this boundary violation, so I have learned to compromise (even if it still annoys me sometimes).
When you hold your boundaries and reach for new levels of happiness, you might realize there are people who won’t be able to be in your life going forward.
Maybe someone isn’t willing to be the person you need them to be. That is okay.
It is better for both of you if you're each existing in a space that supports who you are and makes you happy, even if those spaces are no longer together.
It is okay to move on from people who choose not to live in the way you do. You deserve to surround yourself with people who love you and honor and respect your boundaries.
This step is designed to help you practice simple boundary building.
It is the place to start practicing where you hold the line for yourself. You can try on simple boundaries, see how they fit, and adjust as needed.
As you begin to understand where you end and someone else begins, you can develop more complex boundaries and deepen into what is truest for you.
Interestingly, as you deepen your knowledge about your values and their impact on your boundaries, you will begin to surround yourself with people who honor and respect who you are.
In doing so, you will remove people who do not honor and respect who you are.
Commit to living a life where your boundaries matter and are honored by the people in your inner circle.
You deserve that.