Step Six: YOUR LOVE FIT

Reveal the kind of love that makes you happy.

Have you been looking for love in all the wrong places? Many of us do. That’s not a judgment. It’s just an observation of what’s happening in our lives.

If you are dating someone and thinking about happily ever after with them, you are about to make a major life choice.

Don’t do it on a whim. 

To build a love relationship that fits, you have to look for love in all the right places. That means understanding the power of a healthy relationship, who you are, and who your partner is so you don’t find yourself in the same old relationship patterns that have you building your next best exit strategy.

If you want bad love relationships to be a thing of the past, then you have come to the right place.

The point of this step is to understand who you are and how you see the world and how that aligns, engages, or contradicts your partner’s views so you can make an informed choice about taking your relationship to the next level.

Because love can be complicated, there are 9 sections to this Guide:

(and as a side note, it is easier to view on a desktop than mobile, though that is certainly your choice):

  • Reasons Love Doesn’t Work

  • The #1 Violated Rule of Relationships

  • Great Love Starts With a Healthy Relationship

    • And what is a healthy relationship?

  • Set your intention for a happy, healthy love relationship

    • You deserve the best life has to offer

  • Values Fit for Happy Love

  • Talent DNA Fit for Happy Love

  • Life Views That Impact Relationship Happiness

  • Score your Fit!

    • Use your fit profile to conduct a fit analysis to find love that is the best fit for you!

  • People Change

There is one tool for this step: The Love Fit Worksheet. You should complete this worksheet with your partner for optimal benefit.

 
 

If your partner is not interested in completing The Love Fit Worksheet with you, that might be a warning sign. Explore the reason together so you can understand what is taking place for your partner. 

Perhaps the disinterest is because it is too soon in the relationship to have some of the conversations the Worksheet requires, in particular the Life View Conversation in Part 3 of the Worksheet.  If that is true, save that fit analysis for another day.

You don’t have to make a decision on the future of the relationship right now! You can use the worksheet as a way to deepen into the relationship across time. 

 
 

As for timeline guidance, I have had people complete Part 1 as early as the third date. By the third date, most people begin to see, feel, or believe that a connection is present and worth an investment. Plus, it’s fun figuring out who you are together through values. 

You can also complete Part 2 together around the third date, too, or you can space the steps out over a few weeks. 

The conversation around Part 3 can be intense. It is usually a good idea to wait on that conversation until at least 2 or 3 months into the relationship. However, if you are already having those types of conversations, then forge ahead!

And sometimes, it is best to complete the worksheet alone. Many times, we only need to complete Part 1 of the Love Fit Worksheet to see the relationship is going to be a struggle. However, the ideal is to do the worksheet together so you grow together. 

 
 

Lots of people are worried about making the same mistake with love this time around as they did with the last relationship. Instead of pursuing love that delights the heart, they settle. 

With The Love Fit Worksheet, you can take this big, possibly scary, dream and break down the process into bite-size steps. You have a concrete method for understanding love instead of a nebulous pie-in-the-sky version.

Having a plan to ensure love fits makes it easier and more possible to find your life partner. 

Additional guidance for using the Love Fit Worksheet to find love that makes you happy is offered in the video that accompanies this step. 

If you are ready for love that delights the heart and withstands the test of time, then let’s get started!

Table of Contents

1. Reasons Why Love Doesn’t Work

We aren’t very good at making love last:

  • ✔️ In four decades, divorce rates around the world have more than doubled.

  • ✔️ Around 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce.

  • ✔️ In the US, the divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher.

According to a Huffington Post Article, the top reasons for getting a divorce include:

 

  • You marry because it's what you think you should do.

    Many divorced women say the problems that made them leave were there right from the beginning but they married anyway.

  • If you are not comfortable doing things without your partner, or you don't know what kind of music, movies, or food you used to like, you are likely in deep and you probably feel like you are drowning and don't know why.

  • When you add children into the mix, most parents soon neglect or completely forget that they are a couple.

    As children grow and need less attention, spouses find that they have grown apart. They can't remember why they ever got married in the first place because they no longer have anything in common.

    Becoming lost in the roles was true for my husband and me.

  • ・Your partner drives you crazy because you're a saver and they’re a spender.

    ・Your idea of a weekend getaway is a cozy cottage in the woods; your partner wants to the hit the town and catch a game.

    ・Your partner thinks it's your job to cook and clean, but you disagree.

    Why didn't they mention these things earlier? Maybe you should have asked. Chances are that your partner hasn't changed -- your expectations did.

All of these top reasons are related to not knowing who you are and not understanding your partner. 

The tool used in this Guide combats all 4 of these reasons!

 

2. The #1 Violated Rule of Relationships

The most violated rule of relationships that creates all levels of tension is this:

You cannot change other people. People can only change themselves. 

If you enter a relationship thinking you are going to change the other person you are wrong. That is why understanding your values, talent DNA, and life views and those of your partner are essential to long-term relationship success. 

In “You can Only Change Yourself,” Dr. Grohol writes,

“One of life’s hardest lessons to learn is that you can only change yourself.

Some people spend inordinate amounts of time and energy upset, angry, or frustrated by other people’s thoughts and behaviors.

But to what end? You can rail against the rain or feel sanguine about the snow, but there’s not a whole lot you can do about it. Why should we, by default, believe we can change another person’s — an independent, thinking self just like us — behaviors and thoughts with just a few choice words? If you think about it for a minute, it sounds kind of ridiculous.”

Let me beat that dead horse (and if you don’t know what that idiom means, here is how Wikipedia explains it: “Flogging a dead horse is an Anglophone idiom that means that a particular effort is futile, a waste of time without a positive outcome.” So, yes. That!)

In “We Cannot Change Other People – We Can Only Change Ourselves”, Psychologist Dr. Marc Schulman writes,

“In any relationship, whether friends or family or significant others, there are going to be these behaviors, personality traits, and problem solving techniques that we’re going to see as flawed. They may even be things that are critical for us to feel happy or satisfied.

But our tendency to tell – maybe even fight – with our loved ones in order to get them to change these things belies a truth that many people forget in the heat of the moment: that we do not have the power to change other people. We only have the power to change ourselves.

As sad, stressful, or challenging as it may be at times, we do not possess the power to make someone else different. We cannot force someone to be kinder, more affection [sic], or a better communicator. We cannot make them be cleaner, or more organized, or more thoughtful.

That doesn’t mean we cannot express our concerns, of course. We can – and should – tell the other person about our feelings and what we could enjoy seeing from them. Communication is an important part of any relationship, and that includes sharing our feelings and experiences.

But we also need to accept that the choice and ability to make those changes is solely on the other person…”

If you enter a relationship believing you have the power to re-shape someone else’s behavior, you are going to be disappointed.

Focus on yourself and go from there.

Speaking of focusing on yourself…

3. Great Love Starts With A Healthy Relationship

A lot of people think a relationship, whether it be with family, friends, or love, has to be perfect. We are looking for someone else to complete us.

One of the movie scenes I love to rail against is the one in Jerry Maguire where Tom Cruise’s character tells Renee Zellweger’s character, “You complete me.” I always see red! It is simply not true.

No one can complete you but you.

All relationships have conflict though, and no relationship is perfect. 

A good healthy relationship definition comes from the University of Washington’s Health Center:

“A healthy relationship is when two people develop a connection based on: mutual respect, trust, honesty, support, fairness,” and other things.

 
 

The healthiest and most successful relationships are the ones where the members in the relationship are accountable for who they are and how they feel.

 
 

A big cause of relationship issues comes from expecting the other person to be different than they are, and/or not being accountable for who you are. You can’t change anyone but yourself!

The foundation for a healthy relationship is in discovering who you are and becoming a more authentic person (deepening into the goodness that you already are).

To have healthy relationships, you have to find the wholeness within so you don’t have to rely on the other person to do that for you. 

An article from the Atlantic talks about a course being offered at Northwestern University on healthy relationships and marriage. The article noted,

“The foundation of our course is based on correcting a misconception: that to make a marriage work, you have to find the right person. The fact is, you have to be the right person.”

This fact is true for any relationship, not just marriage.

My idea of a healthy relationship is an on-going respectful conversation with self and other that delights the heart, continually invites our best selves to emerge, and withstands the test of time.  

Part of the power of The Love Fit Worksheet is you are completing the worksheet together. You are growing individually and together while inviting your best selves to emerge through the work of this Step. You are also in a conversation together about the deepest, truest parts of who you are in a respectful way by being curious and asking questions. 

It is key to the completion of the worksheet that communication be in a safe space! If you feel tensions rising, take a break and come back later. 

 
 

More important, though, this worksheet is a tool of courage.

It allows you and your partner to be courageous enough to have the deeper conversation about who each of you are and if you’re a healthy fit.

That courage and willingness to have the conversation can help you find your way through happy and easy times and the tough and sad times, helping the love you build withstand the test of time.

4. Set your intention for a happy, healthy love relationship

It’s not enough to want a love that fits. You have to actively set an intention for it. 

One of the powerful things about completing a Love Fit Worksheet is setting that intention.  

The first activity on the Worksheet is to commit to the goal of finding love that fits. It says:

“My goal in completing this worksheet is to create a happy, healthy love relationship that reflects an on-going respectful conversation with self and other that delights the heart, continually invites our best selves to emerge, and withstands the test of time.”

A written goal offers multiple benefits. First, having a written goal means you are more likely to succeed.

In “The Psychology of Writing Down Goals,” Brett Greene shares,

“There’s a simple trick to make your dreams come true more easily and faster, and it doesn’t cost a lot of time or effort: Writing down goals.”

He cited a Harvard Business study that demonstrated that people who wrote down their goals were three times more likely to succeed than people who just had some plan in mind. 

He also offered research that evidenced a 1.4 times higher chance of success by just committing your goals to paper. Greene’s article also shared that writing down your goals does these important things:

  • Engages your brain differently so that, unbeknownst to you consciously, your mind is always focusing on ways to help you achieve your goals;

  • helps you clarify them;

  • leaves no wiggle room;

  • are a constant reminder of your commitments.

Thus, be sure to appreciate the reason for completing the worksheet in the first place. 

 
 

Second, completing the Love Fit Worksheet sends a signal to the universe that you are serious about being happy in love. 

Additionally, spending time reflecting on your values, talent DNA, and life views with your potential life partner allows you to refine what you are looking for. You can confidently seek a partner who is going to delight your heart instead of wasting your precious life force pursuing partners with whom it’s just never going to work.  

To commit to the happy love intention, sign your name in the space provided.

Why sign your name?

First, you’re letting your heart know you are serious about the type of love relationship you desire. 

Second, signing a document can influence behavior as it pertains to the signed document.

For example, students who were required to sign a university’s honor code acted more honestly.

Signing your name increases conformity. Thus, signing your name makes you accountable, and accountability is important in healthy relationships. 

The love fit analysis greatly enhances the chances of finding the right fit. However, no formula is failsafe.

People change and not always in positive ways. You can learn more about that in #9 below.

 

5. Values Fit For Happy Love

The next activity on The Love Fit Worksheet is for you and your partner to have the values discussion and learn where you have shared values. 

Global Neurolinguistics Programming Training founder Nicole Schneider described the power of knowing your values:

“When we consciously do those things that are true to our values, we are happy and whole. When we don’t, we end up in the wrong relationships, wrong jobs, we may become ill.”

Values are the foundation of why you do what you do. Your big life choices should be made consistent with your value system, including choices about love. No one sets out to end up in the wrong relationship and it happens regularly!

If you are dating or in a committed relationship with someone, I encourage you to find your top 5 values together from Step 1. It allows you to see powerful connections between you and your partner that will be helpful for Part 1 of the Love Fit Worksheet. 

A factor in how happy or unhappy you are in a relationship stems from the alignment or misalignment between your top 5 core values and your partner's top 5 core values.

Use Part 1 of the worksheet to assess how your respective top 5 core values align:

  • 1. To determine alignment, compare each of your values to your partner’s values to determine if any of them are the same.

    If you and your partner’s values align—like you have integrity and your partner has integrity—write the word Alignment in the middle column on the worksheet.

    Values that align are called shared values. When a couple has shared values, there is a better love fit.

  • 2. Once you have determined the values that are shared (and if it isn’t all five values), determine if your remaining values are similar or in the same family of values.

    Value similarity looks like this: If you value honesty, and your partner values integrity, since those are thematically similar values (which means they are both in service of speaking the truth), the place you meet with your partner is you both seek to have the courage to speak the truth.

    The values in the integrity family include integrity, honesty, truth, and trust.

  • 3. As you compare similar values and decide where you and the organization meet, write down your thoughts on the space provided on the worksheet.

    If you have similar behavior because of the value, write the word Similarity in the middle column on the worksheet.

    Also explain in the middle column where your value and your partner’s value engage each other.

  • 4. If you are stuck on a value and where the Similarity might be: ask your partner what virtue is being actualized by that value (virtues are discussed in the video for Step 1). You might connect there.

    For instance, my husband and I have several values that are similar even though they don’t have the same name. We do the same things just in different ways. Our values are doorways into the same behavior. I know we are going to be united on certain issues because of this overlap.

    Both our sons are partnered with amazing significant others. I am not bragging like she is amazing and you are not. I am bragging because both these ladies are amazing fits for my sons. Shep and his significant other meet at the intersection of creativity. They give each other space to live out their creativity which is important to both of them. They appreciate all creative things together – art, unique food, craft beers and cocktails, etc. It is wonderful to watch. Warren and his significant other meet at the intersection of communication. They are going to talk it out, whatever it is. That allows them to have no stuck energy between the two of them.

    The fact that we have these connections doesn’t mean there isn’t trouble in paradise. There always is the potential for clash – it is about honoring that clash when it happens as a possible values difference. If you know what the root cause of the clash is, it is easier to work your way through it. When a values clash happens, remember where you come together so you don’t let what is different divide you in ways that are harmful.

  • 5. If your value and your partner’s value do not align or result in similar behavior, put an X in the middle column.

    If you can meet someone at the intersection of your leading value (Family for me/Loyalty for Jim, Creativity for Shep and Caro, and Communication for Warren and Kayla), the relationship can thrive in that space. If you meet on just one value and it isn’t the leading value, that relationship is likely to struggle. The more values you have in common, either thematically or in the same family, the more powerful the relationship can be.

    It is also possible that the person is using the value in a below the line way and you are using it in an above the line way and that creates friction.

    Having shared values doesn’t mean people don’t grow apart. They can and they do. But one way to keep reconnecting is to remind each other how you are connected through shared values.

  • 6. When you have completed this section, score the values fit.

    1. Assign one point for each box in the center column that contains the word Align or Similar.

    2. Add up the points and write the total in the space provided on the worksheet.

    3. This number should be between 0 and 5.
    There is no point assigned for an X.

6. Talent DNA Fit For Happy Love

A love that fits is built on knowing what you are good at, what you are not good at, what your partner is good at, and what your partner is not good at.

You can decide who leads when and then trust your partner to lead when it is in the best interest of the relationship or vice versa.

 
 

Let me share a great example. Your partner is a heart surgeon. A world-renowned one at that.

You need a knee replacement.

Are you going to let your partner operate on your knee?

Of course not. That isn’t your partner’s specialty. You will likely, however, rely on your partner’s opinion on which surgeon should operate on you. It’s the same way with other activities in the marriage. 

 
 

In my marriage, I readily admit that I stink at managing money.  It’s why Jim has to do it. I have authority to buy all sorts of stuff, but when we get over a certain amount, we need to have a discussion and I usually defer to Jim.

That doesn’t mean I abdicate my power to him. It means I listen carefully to him and I know he has our best interest at heart, respecting what he says.

It also doesn’t mean I don’t respectfully challenge because I do.

Two of my favorite questions are “What are we missing?” and “Let’s play out our decision. Where do you think this goes?”

Jim is not very good at planning vacations.

I do all the research on vacations, come back with ideas, and then we make a decision together.

It’s what I am good at so he defers to me.

 
 

We each lead when the time is right because we play to our talents as much as possible.

It means we make great decisions together.

There is also less conflict because I am not trying to drive in his lane and he’s not trying to drive in mine.

 

For you and your partner to play to your talents, you have to know your talents.

Part 2 of the Love Fit Workshop enables us to learn our talents. To complete Part 2, you and your partner will need your completed Talent DNA Worksheet from Step 5. 

  • 1. First, place your top 5 strengths in the first column and list your partner’s top 5 in the second column.

    Include a short description of each strength.

  • 2. Next, have the conversation around how you use these talents to improve your relationship by answering this question together:

    How do we use this information to build a stronger relationship and to make great choices for us?

    Capture your ideas in the space provided on the worksheet. 

  • 3. Then, place your bottom 5 strengths in the first column and list your partner’s bottom 5  in the second column.

    Include a short description of each strength.

  • 4. Next, have a conversation around how you use these talents to improve your relationship by answering this question together:

    How do we use this information to build a stronger relationship and to make great choices for us?

    Capture your ideas in the space provided on the worksheet.

  • 5. Finally, place your 3 social currency in the first column and list your partner’s 3 social currency in the second column.

  • 6. Have a conversation around how you use these talents to improve your relationship by answering this question together:

    How do we use this information to build a stronger relationship and to make great choices for us?

    Capture your ideas in the space provided on the worksheet. 

When you have completed this section, score the Talent DNA fit.

✓ Assign a point for each discussion question you answered together.

✓ If you completed this section using your partner’s Talent DNA information but without having a conversation together, assign half a point to each question you answered by yourself.

✓ Total the points and write them in the space provided. This number should be between 0 and 6.

Scoring this section focuses on having the conversation, not about alignment with each other.

It means your partner respects what you care about and wants to have that conversation with you.  If you can’t have the conversation or your partner doesn’t want to, you should explore why. 

Many great relationships have been built on differences and using them to help the relationship soar.

Being different doesn’t mean you ditch the relationship. It just means you have to work together in more empowering ways, and that takes knowing each other.

7. Life Views that Impact Relationship Happiness

When I got married, my dad, who was a psychologist, made a speech at the rehearsal dinner.

As he talked about my soon-to-be-husband Jim, Dad said, “Jim doesn’t have any holes in his head that don’t belong there.”

As you can tell, I have never forgotten that. 

I have come to understand what my dad meant was that whatever scars Jim had from childhood, and we all have them, had been healed enough or were not big enough to derail our marriage.

Dad was mostly right.

Lying in wait for me after Jim and I graduated from law school was a workaholic.

That wasn’t on Dad’s list of holes in the head because he was a workaholic, too.

His list consisted of addiction, abuse, and religious beliefs.

If you don’t think being a workaholic will derail a marriage, let me offer you some research shared in the Harvard Business Review:

“Unlike people who merely work long hours, workaholics struggle to psychologically detach from work.

And we know that ongoing rumination often goes together with stress, anxiety, depression, and sleep problems, and it impedes recovery from work.

Stress levels in workaholics are therefore often chronic, which leads to ongoing wear and tear on the body.”

It also leads to ongoing wear and tear on the marriage. 

My dad’s philosophy was that life was already hard enough, don’t pile on top of a relationship additional life-views that are contradictory to yours that will make it even tougher for the relationship to withstand the test of time. 

Based on my experience with the marital relationships through coaching clients, relatives, and my own marriage, I expanded that list of life-views and turned it into a life view conversation that people who are serious about deepening their relationship should have before they do commit to one another. 

It is important to understand how you see the world and how your partner sees the world.

You don’t want to get 5 years into the relationship and suddenly realize your partner wasn’t joking about not having children. Whoopsie! 

I had a colleague who was dating a wonderful person. My colleague thought this person might be the one!

The relationship was trending in all the right directions until one evening, her partner asked this question, “Do you believe Jesus Christ is our lord and savior and have you accepted him into your heart?”

My colleague answered she hadn’t accepted Jesus into her heart.

Her partner followed up the conversation with this question, “Can you? Because I can’t be married to someone who hasn’t accepted Jesus into her heart.”

I think the partner may have also added, “And you will burn in hell if you don’t believe that.”

For someone who is not a believer of that life view, the outcome of not believing can be seen as harsh.

And just like that, the relationship was over. 

My colleague was crushed. I told her better now at 90 days instead of 2 years in! 

 
 

The life view topics included on the worksheet are:

  • addiction

  • abuse

  • family size

  • life post-family (love and work)

  • religion

  • work ethic

  • financial views

  • family relationship status

Each of these topics are identified on the worksheet in Part 3: Live View Conversation.


To have the life view conversation, ask your partner what their life-view is on a topic, capturing highlights of the conversation in the notes section. When the conversation feels complete, move on to the next topic. If you and your partner have the same or similar life views on a topic, place a check in the center column in Part 3 of the Worksheet. 

Most of the topics are self-explanatory and a few require additional detail.

  • First, love post-family is the view you each have about how you will honor the relationship after the birth of children (if you plan to have children).

    Will you have a date night every month, every week?
    Will you take an overnight trip once a quarter?

  • Second, work post-family is about understanding what role you see yourself playing once children arrive.

    Are you both going back to work?
    Does one of you want to be a stay at home parent?

    Remember, it doesn’t matter what someone wants, it is about appreciating the other person’s perspective.

  • Third, how will you spend vacations and holidays?

    As a couple, are you spending them together at home?
    Are you going somewhere?
    Are you splitting the high holidays of your faith between your families?
    Or are you celebrating at home with each other?

  • Finally, family relationships are important to a person’s perspective on how they might treat the family they create in the future.

    What type of relationships do you each have with your parents and siblings?
    What type of relationships do you want with those relatives going forward.
    How will that impact your relationship with each other?

The topics included in Part 3 are not intended to make anyone in the relationship right or wrong.

It’s about being clear on how you each feel about these important aspects of life and learning where the possible hiccups are so that a life view doesn’t tank the relationship later.

Better to know now and have a conversation around it than to not speak of it until after you have invested 4 years into the relationship. 

Additionally, if you and your partner differ on these life-views, you can make an informed choice as to whether the differences are deal-breakers.

Remember, life changes us.

You aren’t attempting to hold a person to a life view for the next 50 years.

You are just trying to gain perspective on your partner’s life views  to understand if there are any dealbreakers right now. You can always revisit the conversation at a later date. 

When you have completed this section of the worksheet, score the life-view fit.

✓ Assign one point for each box in the center column that has a check in it.

✓ Add up the points and write the total in the space provided.

✓ This number should be between 0 and 10.

8. Score the Fit

It’s the moment of truth:

Is your partner a good fit for you?

Add your Values Fit subtotal, your Talent DNA Fit subtotal, and your Life-Views Fit subtotal together to obtain your total Fit Score.

Before converting your total score into a fit recommendation using the ratings table, there are some words of wisdom to reflect upon before making any choices about a relationship. 

First, a relationship is more than just a number.

We and our relationships are never that one-dimensional. Thus, the Fit Analysis shouldn’t be the only determination in whether to stay in a relationship. The point of the Love Fit Analysis is to start a conversation with your partner about the things that matter most to each of you and do you want to continue investing in the relationship knowing what you know about each other.

Second, the Love Fit Analysis helps you understand where tension points can occur. Thus, when those tensions do rear their heads, you know exactly why that is happening.

Third, use these guidelines to interpret your love fit score:

 

  • starts at 13 with:

    ・ at least 3 for Values Fit
    ・ at least 4 for Talent DNA Fit
    ・ and similar views on items 1 through 6 of Part 3

  • then your partner is probably a low fit.

    There is an exception to this guideline: if one of those two values is your number one value (the one you honor the most in your life), then it might be a good fit.

    Use the remaining guidelines and the ratings table to complete your analysis.

  • then your partner is probably a low fit for you.

    The low fit determination is driven by the fact that these are places were views typically need to be similar for a relationship to survive long term.

    For items 7 through 10 it is possible to create compromises. It is hard to find the place of compromise between children and no children or physical abuse and no physical abuse. Those views are too far apart to create space for the relationship to thrive.

    And, it is always your choice to enter a relationship with your eyes wide open.

  • it probably won’t be a good fit because there is no balance among the different fit elements.

 

With these guidelines in mind, align your total score to fit type using this ratings chart:

Total ScoreLevel of Fit
0-8Low fit
9-12Moderate fit
13 or higherHigh fit

The higher the score, the better the fit!

The fit analysis greatly enhances the chances of finding the right fit for you. However, no formula is failsafe. You may get serious with a person only to have them change.

Things happen, people change.

Even thought people change, the fit analysis remains a proven method for determining whether a relationship deserves your continued commitment. 

The final activity on the Worksheet is to acknowledge that you are aware of your partner’s values, strengths, and life-views, and that you are making an informed choice to willingly enter into a deeper relationship by agreeing to sign the statement at the bottom of the worksheet.

9. Life Changes People

I am unequivocally not the person my husband married over 30 years ago. Because I didn’t understand what it took to have a healthy relationship, I made everything a battleground in our marriage. NOT FUN! 

Even though I threatened divorce, packed my bags and left, I always came back to Jim. My behavior had such a negative impact on my husband and my two sons.

I don’t want this same thing for you.

There are two things that can happen in the wake of you or your partner changing.

  • One, you can grow together.

  • Two, it is time to allow the other person their freedom so you can gain yours.

Guidance on growing together is beyond the scope of this Step 6.

However, if you are experiencing change in your relationship, I recommend this article “How to Navigate and Embrace Change in Your Relationships” as a starting point.

 

Sometimes, people, for whatever reason, don’t grow together. They grow apart.

One of the best things you can do to have healthy relationships is to know when to let go of a relationship.

You are enough as you are on your own.

The purpose of a relationship is to enrich your life, and you have to be able to recognize when a relationship is not doing that.

This becomes even more true as you own more and more of who you are and how you feel.

As you continue to grow into the person you are meant to be, others may not be willing or able to make that journey with you.

For the people walking with you in relationship right now, you have to ask yourself, “Is this someone who is willing and able to make the journey to my best self with me?”

Or this: “Does this person lift me up and support my dreams?”

If the answer is no, that’s okay. 

 

Everyone is worthy and deserving of love, whether you move forward together in life or not. 

 

It is a simple truth of the world: not everyone can make the journey with you.

Experience has shown me that taking new actions in your life and moving in the direction of the authentic you and who you want to be can result in acceleration of relationship deconstruction (a nice way of saying it all falls apart). 

This doesn’t mean excommunicating people from your life entirely. In the case of family members especially, that usually isn’t possible!

It might just be minimizing your interactions with people who can no longer, for whatever reasons, support this emerging version of you. 

Whatever you choose to do, you have to be okay stepping away from old relationships that aren’t fulfilling or do not help you be who you are meant to be.

Allowing these non-supportive relationships to rest where they are, as they are, makes room for stronger, healthier, and more amazing relationships.

Remember, always make the best choice for yourself and then take action! None of it matters if you don’t act on what you learn.

Enjoy looking for love in all the right places!

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