Step One: YOUR TRUE SELF

Uncover your authentic self with your truest values

The foundation for Happily Ever After is living authentically. And that means living in alignment with your top five core values as they represent the authentic, genuine you!

Values represent your deepest cares. Once you know your top five values, you can make choices that speak into your core; doing so minimizes wasting your precious time and energy on buyer’s remorse and regret.

 
 

In his book A New Way of Living, internationally acclaimed author and human development researcher Roy Posner offered that whether you are discovering your values or learning to live from the space of your values, doing so creates a platform where outer circumstances can change 10 times faster (and better) than mere superficial change. 

Posner also noted, “The key point to keep in mind about values is that implementing them energizes everything concerned with it. For an individual, committing to and applying values releases fresh energies, which always attract success, achievement, and well-being.”

So, yes, your values are the doorway to your Happily Ever After.

There are 4 sections to this Guide, and two tools, including the values flash cards and the values list worksheet.

You can also purchase the Tomi Llama Values App to complete this step. The app makes sharing your values with friends and family easy and fun!

Additional guidance for discovering your top five values is offered in the video that accompanies this step, and you can book a coaching call via the link in your dashboard for even more help.

Let’s get started!

Table of Contents

1. What are Personal Values?

Personal values are broadly defined as  “what one considers important or worth seeking.”

More specifically, your personal core values are the select values that you hold most dear in the world.

Some examples of personal values include Wisdom, Family, Freedom, Adventure, and Authenticity. (These values are actually my top 5!)

 
 

Your top five values are deeply personal to who you are.

Your personal values make up the heart of who you are and what is important in your life. 

Your personal core values should be what you care about most in the world. 

In other words, they are not what others think you should care about the most. They are uniquely yours.

The unique experiences of your life, coupled with your top 5 values and how you apply them, are like the experiences of no one else.

Author Rachel Naomi Remen wrote,

“It has been surprising to see how often people do not realize that their deepest values are as personal as their fingerprints.”

Why are values important?

Alexander Hamilton once said,

“If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything.”

Your values influence your stance. 

When you know your values, it allows you to “fall” only for the things that align with your most deeply-held truths.

Knowing your values also helps you live authentically and be your authentic self, because you know who you are at the core.

Finding your values lets you find yourself!

Finding your values lets you find yourself!


Spending time observing and finding your personal values is one of the most rewarding things you can do for yourself.

In his book, The Other 90%: How to Unlock Your Vast Untapped Potential for Leadership and Life, business guru and author Dr. Robert K. Cooper says:

“Every one of us has inherent qualities that anchor us in the world and enable us to shine. To live in that way, we must clarify our own values and understand those of others. It’s one thing to be alive. It’s something else altogether to live – and work – according to who you are deep down.”

 Author Roy Posner also explained the importance of values in A New Way of Living: Essays on Human Evolution & Transformation:

Values drive us, motivate us, move life, move us forward — enabling progress, even evolution.

Values are what enable us to take the Next Step.

Your values are the foundation for an authentic and purposeful life. 


You can also use your values to help you live a happier life.

  • Values-based boundary building using your values is covered in STEP 3: YOUR HAPPY SPACE - Set strong boundaries to create your happy space.

  • Values-based decision making is covered in STEP 4: YOUR 10-10-10 - Elevate your life choices so regret is a thing of the past.

  • That information is covered in STEP 6: YOUR LOVE FIT - Reveal the kind of love that makes you happy.

  • Finding your purpose is covered in STEP 8: YOUR MAGICAL PURPOSE - Start leading the life you were meant to lead.

  • That information is covered in STEP 7: YOUR JOB FIT - Discover a calling that makes you happy.

The list of how your values can help you be happier goes on and on! 

Knowing your values clarifies who you are, and is fundamental for living your happiest, most fulfilling life. 

And, when you know your most important personal values, life becomes so much more fun!

2. Why Five?

Try to narrow down your list of personal values to your five most important values. 

Whenever I do this values exercise with groups, someone inevitably asks why they need to narrow down their list of core values to their five most important values.

My response? Working with five values is not absolute, but it seems to work best. 

It is important that we can easily memorize and recite our value system. Utilizing five values enables us to do so. There are people who argue for three or 10 values. For instance, in The Integrity Dividend, Dr. Tony Simons argued the case for three values:

“Psychologists have long known that most people can keep in mind somewhere between three and seven elements. But seven is a lot of values to juggle, and the more values you include, the more likely you are able to lose focus. Three is simple and tight. Six is less so. As you go beyond ten, you enter a murky terrain where different followers will choose to highlight different items—and the list starts to exist more on paper than in anyone’s mind and heart.”

Now I am about to drop some real wisdom so hold on tightly:

 

Research shows we are complex beings.

>> <<

Research shows we are complex beings. >> <<

 

(And we needed research to tell us that information.)

And as complex beings, three values are too strict and don’t capture your essence of your complexity.

Too many values, like 10, muddy the water and appear as no values at all because there are too many choices. 

If you have too many values to consider when it is time to use them, then it becomes difficult to use your values to their greatest effect. 

Years of experimenting with five values helped me understand that five provides enough scope to honor the diversity of your personality. Five is just right for capturing the core of who you are. 

Now it’s time to find your values.

3. Find Your Top Five Values 

Finding your top five values is a discovery process, but the personal core values exercise simplifies the process!

Finding your personal core values can be completed individually or as a group with friends or colleagues.

  • To complete this exercise, you need two things: a sheet of paper and the Tomi Llama digital values deck.

    The values deck doesn’t contain every value in the world, but the 70 that are included are enough personal values to start the conversation.

    If a value that is important to you is missing, you can just add it!

  • The first time you go through the values deck can be a simple, quick, yes-no-yes-no run-through of the deck or list.

    Quickly determine whether each value sounds like you or not. All it takes is a simple question, “Is this me? Yes or no.”

    If it’s a yes, put it in the yes pile; if it’s a no, put it in the no pile. Don’t worry about spending too much time on each value - just go with your gut.

  • After the first time through the values, look at your "yes" pile and go back through them again. Take a little more time with each card to further narrow down the list of personal values.

  • After your second run-through, just repeat the process and keep doing so until you have narrowed down your list of the values to those you hold most dear.

    As you review the meaning of each value, think about whether the value represents the core of who you are, using these questions as a guide:

    ・Does this value represent how I show up in the world?

    ・Is this value something I stand for in the world?

    ・Would I be okay if this value didn’t have an important presence in my life?

4. Narrowing Your List to Five

Reducing your list of core values to five can be a challenge.

Luckily, there are a few things you can do to make narrowing your list easier!

Below are four strategies to help you determine what values truly are your top, personal, core values.

  • Look for similarities.

    Regardless of the number of values you have in your pile after doing rounds, one way to eliminate those that don’t represent what you care most deeply about is to look for thematically similar values, or what I call families of values.

    An example is when someone has the cards of love, relationships, loyalty, and family in their remaining cards. Typically, one of those values is going to override the other similar values. My advice is to spend a few weeks watching your choices and what value seems to matter most.

    I also recommend counting that family of values as one value as you sort out which value is the one you hold most dear. Sometimes, people really do have two or three values from the same family in the top five but that is rare. I am not saying it can’t happen – just spend time observing to determine what is true for you.

    Another family of values is honesty, truth, integrity, trust, justice, and fairness. Again there is usually one value that is at the top of that pile – you have to observe yourself to see what it is.

  • Ask others what they think.

    Additionally, ask your family and friends what you value. Others often can see you more clearly than you can see yourself. If you ask others what your core values are, they will likely be able to provide some important insight.

    For example, for a long time I thought one of my top 5 values was fun. We were having a family dinner one night and playing the question game – that is a game where each family member has to bring a question to dinner and everyone else has to answer it. My son Warren said, “Say one thing you think each person at the table values.” When my husband Jim got to me, he said, “Adventure.” I challenged him on that and said, “No, I value fun.” He was adamant that I valued adventure. I thought about that over the next few weeks and realized he was right. I love a good adventure!

    Your family and friends are an excellent resource for helping you find your five most important values.

    Ask them what they see in you and what they think you might value most, or, if you already have an idea of your values, ask them what they think sounds the most like you.

  • See what makes you angry.

    If you find yourself getting really angry over something, it might be because whatever action is taking place is compromising one of your core values! Anger is typically a warning signal that a value is being violated.

    Anger, while not always fun, is a great tool to help you find your top values.

    If you are having trouble seeing what is underneath your anger, flip the questions around and think about your soap box. What makes you stand on that and shout to the world? Whatever you are seeking to defend with your soapbox is something you value!

  • Is the value a catalyst or an outcome?

    Consider whether a value is a catalyst or an outcome. Here is an example of what I mean. People think I love effectiveness. No doubts, I love being effective. However, effectiveness is the outcome of a particular value for me. I love wisdom, and wisdom in action for me is about the outcome of effectiveness.

    I see this one a lot with happiness. People pick happiness as a value, then the more we talk about that particular value, the more it becomes clear that it is actually an outcome of something else like relationships or abundance.

Your best friend in this process is time – time to soak in your choices, time to try them on to see if it really is what you care most about. Don’t be in a hurry. Savor this process of self discovery.

It took me six months to realize my value was not integrity but authenticity. When I am living true to who I am, authentically within my values, I am in integrity. So sometimes we have to tease out what is really happening.  And we can only do that with time. 

Once you have captured your top five values, write them on the Values List Tool and place them in a spot where you can regularly see them. Continue to review them often as it can take up to six months to have confidence that your top five are your top five!

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